


all dressed up

by radregeneration



Category: Dragon Age II, Dragon Age: Origins - Awakening
Genre: Acceptance, Custom Hawke (Dragon Age), Mage Hawke (Dragon Age), Misgendering, Nonbinary Anders (Dragon Age), Other, Trans Anders (Dragon Age), Trans Fenris (Dragon Age), Trans Hawke (Dragon Age), Transphobia, gender euphoria baby!!!!, i just think anders and merrill should be friends, ive transed the spirit of justices gender
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-03-01
Updated: 2021-03-04
Packaged: 2021-03-13 15:49:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 4,149
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29778486
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/radregeneration/pseuds/radregeneration
Summary: When his parents called his name, he cringed. When his parents called him daughter, he thought, 'I'm your son, too.' When his older brother called him a boy, pointing out his short hair and tendency to play in mud, he laughed at how right he was. When his younger sister called him queen or sorceress, asking him to play princesses and knights together, he smiled.
Relationships: Anders & Female Hawke (Dragon Age), Anders & Justice (Dragon Age), Anders & Merrill (Dragon Age), Anders/Isabela (Dragon Age), Anders/Karl Thekla, Anders/Nathaniel Howe
Comments: 3
Kudos: 4





	1. yet to be born

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> anders as a child

When his parents called his name, he cringed. When his parents called him daughter, he thought, 'I'm your son, too.' When his older brother called him a boy, pointing out his short hair and tendency to play in mud, he laughed at how right he was. When his younger sister called him queen or sorceress, asking him to play princesses and knights together, he smiled. 

When his body began to change, he felt warmth underneath his fingers and vines growing in his lungs. His voice pitched higher than his brother's, his body an awkward height, his chest heavy, he was uncomfortable in a way he had never felt. He was used to feeling out of place in the language he heard; his body was supposed to be where he was safe. 

When his sister fell out of a tree, she cried and cried, until he held her broken arm in his hands. He whispered a lullaby to her, voice too high to sing comfortably, as warmth washed over the fractured bone. She smiled, and said in amazement, 'You're a sorceress!' He asked her to keep it a secret, and she loved to be a part of a secret, so she did. 

When he got into an argument with his brother, he stood in the barn, dry straw tickling his bare feet. His brother asked, 'When are you going to start acting like a girl? When are you going to stop acting like a boy?' He laughed and said, 'I do act like a girl, because I'm a girl. And I act like a boy, because I'm a boy.' His brother simply said, 'You're not a boy.' They yelled at each other, things he couldn't remember anymore, because all he could remember was the fire he started. 

When the Templars arrived, his clothes were singed and his lungs full of smoke. His sister was crying, telling them he could heal his brother. His mother shook his head and held her, crying as well. His father yelled, holding his brother's burnt body and ignoring the way he winced at the screaming as well. The Templars looked at the burnt corpse of the barn, the crying children, the teenager covered in burns, and nodded. 

When they left, he wasn't allowed time to change clothes. He was barely allowed time to grab his small pillow, slip on boots and a coat, and wish his mother and sister goodbye. They marched for hours, his feet felt like stones. He couldn't heal them, as the Templars had made him swallow some horrible tasting potion. They hadn't asked him or his family for his name- which secretly made him glad. Instead, they spoke about him, not to him, calling him a girl.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if you're wondering if anders's brother is alive ah, he was alive when templars arrive but anders has no idea if he survives


	2. nowhere to go

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> anders in the circle

When they asked him what his name was, he shrugged silently. The Templars supplied that his father had a thick Ander accent, so the apprentices started calling him 'the Ander kid,' which was infinitely preferably to the name his parents had given him. Eventually it was shortened to Anders. 

When Anders made his first escape, he thought of his brother's burnt body and his painful cries. The Templars hadn't even spared a poultice for him. The First Enchanter had told Anders he was a Spirit Healer and he had practiced healing for five months now. He had only wanted to make sure his brother was alive, to heal his wounds. The First Enchanter convinced the Templars not to punish him. 

When Anders talked to the other healers, they spoke of patients who visited the clinic regularly, but Anders saw no apparent injuries on them. They explained the patients received treatment to change their appearances and voices. A young woman with a deep voice told him that she couldn't stand shaving, but liked her voice way it was. He nodded in understanding. 

When Anders asked the healers if they could treat him, they gently asked him what results he wanted. A deep voice? Facial hair? A flat chest? It was a lot to consider, but he considered it all. After discussing it a few more times over the course of the week, after informing him of various side effects, they gave him a recipe for a poultice that he should apply twice daily and asked him to keep them updated on any changes. 

When his voice dropped ever so slightly, Anders began talking more than ever. He talked to the other apprentices about the outside world, his family's farm, the small village, the creek he played in with his sister. They sat, enraptured by his descriptions of a world they had never seen, will never see. He talked about how his practicing was going- healing felt like he was doing something that changed the world, even if he mostly healed injured Templars. He didn't like practicing fire spells. 

When Anders made his second escape, he was fourteen. He hid away in a small village where everyone assumed he was a boy until they saw his robes. He enjoyed the confusion he caused, treading the line of girl and boy so carefully. Even the Templars didn't know what to call him, except to call him Anders. 

When Anders started to grow facial hair, he started to grow his hair out again. The line between short-haired girl and long-haired boy was blurry, at least to him. The mages stumbled around calling him a girl or a boy, frequently apologizing when they believed they assumed wrong. The only thing they assumed wrong was that he couldn't be both a girl and a boy. 

When Anders made his third escape, he met a girl who talked loudly and gave him flowers and an earring she stole. He didn't return the affections, but the two spent a month together. They walked in the forest and followed a creek until they found Templars. The girl drew her bow. Anders wasn't allowed to heal another person he hurt again, Templars dragging him away again. 

When Anders met Karl, he laughed and smiled and it felt real. Karl asked if he was a girl or a boy, an inevitable question. Anders laughed and said, 'Both.' Karl smiled, the first person to understand. The years they spent together involved no escapes but many changes and many firsts. 

When Anders was Harrowed, Karl was a few weeks later. They celebrated that night over a bottle of Blood of Andraste. They discussed a procedure the other Healers could do. Anders told Karl what the scars would look like and Karl said, 'They would be beautiful on you.' 

When Karl was transferred to Kirkwall, Anders didn't speak for a month. He wrote many letters and gave them to a sympathetic servant who sent letters to Kirkwall for the Amells. He received letters less often that he sent them. 

When Anders got the procedure done, there's no one there to call the scars beautiful. 

When Anders healed enough to lift his arms above his head, he escaped again. He wandered, without any loud girl with bows for companionship, trying to find Amaranthine. Templars found him in West Hill before he found the port city. 

When Anders made his sixth escape, he wasn't surprised to be caught. But he was surprised to be thrown into a solitary cell and denied his poultices. He talked to a cat until his voice went hoarse. He counted stones and pretended he wasn't aware of everything single way his body changed- even if he invented most of the changes. 

When Anders felt the effects of the runes dissipated, he casted a small mage light to see if he had gone truly mad. Blue light showed him a room he had spent an unknown amount of time in. His skin seemed sick, his body protested as he stood and kept the light alive. 

When Anders realized what was going on, he knew he could escape again. It was too risky to go to the clinic and pick up poultices, demons and blood mages and Templars crawled the floors of the tower. He had memorized the recipe and made the poultices during his time outside before. No one noticed a sickly mage escaping.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hii there will be two more parts, warden & kirkwall eras


	3. making yourself up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> anders during his time in the wardens

When Anders stayed in Denerim, he met a pirate captain. She looked at his tattered robes and thin wrists and said, 'I'll buy you dinner and new robes if you heal my crew.' After eating and drinking with her, in new robes from Tevinter, she bought him poultices. They spent the night together until a 'Lay Warden' caught the pirate's eye. She slipped him a few sovereigns and said, 'Stay safe, Anders.' 

When Anders was leaving Denerim, a woman who talked loudly pulled him into an alley. She hushed him, reminding him who she was- the girl in the woods all those years ago. After telling him his phylactery was in Amaranthine, she slipped away, as if she was never there. 

When Anders was near Amaranthine, Templars caught his trail. He avoided the city, instead heading back towards Denerim to throw them off. They caught him, anyways, and started the march back to the tower. 

When the Templars stopped at Vigil's Keep, Anders fought the darkspawn alongside his captors, but if he didn't heal the Templars when they fell one by one until he was fight alone. Then no one would have to know. He planned on continuing his adventure to Amaranthine. 

When a familiar voice greeted him, Anders played innocent. The apprentice- she was still an apprentice, right?- simply rolled her eyes and asked him to join her in finding the Seneschal. He quickly gathered she was a Harrowed mage, a Warden, and named Hero of Ferelden. The dwarf and the woman were her recruits. 

When the Templars arrived alongside the Queen, the Hero of Ferelden said the Templars no longer had jurisdiction over Circle matters. The Queen nodded, informing Rylock she granted that boon herself. Still, Rylock said Anders needed to return to the tower. The Warden-Commander nodded, a polite but fake smile on her face, then said her recruits are staying in the Keep. 

When Anders joined the Wardens, the archdemon blood burned his throat and lungs, like a fire years ago. He remembered arms catching him, then he blacked out. 

When Anders woke up, Surana was in a chair next to him. He laid in a clean cot. A clinic. She asked him if he worked in the clinic at the Circle, he nodded. She smiled and said she thought she remembered him, but couldn't be sure. She asked him if he wanted to work in the clinic when he wasn't in the field. He did. 

When Oghren called him a man in a skirt, Anders laughed. He wasn't wrong. He had already heard most of the insults before during his brief times outside, but some were new. The dwarf was surprisingly creative to be so close-minded. 

When Nathaniel asked him about the scars, Anders made up a story involving a cat possessed by a demon. Nathaniel rolled his eyes and didn't ask again until they spent the night together for the first time. They fumbled with their clothes and words until Nathaniel understood. 

When Velanna asked him about the Circle, he said there were two good things, but did not specify what they were. Later, he told her about the healers and she nodded, absent-mindedly mentioning that elven names weren't associated with being a man or a woman. They laughed together at the absurdity of assumptions. 

When Sigrun asked him how did he know he was a mage, Anders tried not to think about the barn. He told him about his sister instead. Sigrun said she had never climbed a tree before so they went outside and found one to climb. Anders had trouble in his robes and Sigrun had trouble with her shorter legs. Pounce sat on a branch watching the two struggle for several minutes. Finally, they sat next to each other in the tree, out of breath, but no one fell and no one broke any bones. 

When Justice asked him why the Commander referred to him as a woman as often as she referred to him as a man, Anders explained that he was both a man and a woman, so the people around him referred to him as such. Justice asked what makes one a man or a woman. Anders hadn't thought too much about that. After awhile, he said one chooses to be a man or a woman or both or neither. 

When Anders asked Justice if he was a man or a woman, he hadn't considered that the spirit would understand enough to answer. But the spirit replied, 'I have chosen to be a man. Even if I have not chosen this body, I have chosen this much.' 

When Anders went on a patrol, he talked to Justice and another Warden- a Spirit Healer from Orlais. They ignored the glares of Warden Rolan as they discussed gender. Too caught up in their conversation, they failed to notice the approaching Templars. 

When Justice merged with Anders, they stood together in one body, covered in blood that even the rain didn't wash off. Anders heard Justice hum- that would take getting used to, wouldn't it? 'What is it?' He asked aloud. 'These are the experiences of a woman, then,' the spirit replied, aloud as well. Anders rolled their eyes and Justice narrowed their eyes in response. Their body moved together towards an old farmstead decimated by the Blight.


	4. living a different life

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> anders during his first year or so in kirkwall

When they stumbled into the farmstead, they made it to the small, single bedroom before collapsing into the bed. Their body was wrecked. Anders was tired and drained of mana, having expended it all keeping their body together. Justice was restless, the new information overwhelming him. The feeling of a living body was new to the spirit. Anders' memories were too much for Justice. 'Please, let's go to sleep. We'll think more about this tomorrow,' Anders whispered. Justice let himself quietly slip to the back of Anders' mind. 

When they woke up, Anders found the bathroom. The well in the yard ran dry, no one lived here to draw water anyways. He couldn't clean them up much, but he had enough water to shave. After a few moments of consideration, he asked Justice, 'We're going to Kirkwall?' The spirit hummed in agreement. 'And we're not going back to Wardens?' Again, the spirit agreed. 'Let's, ah, have a little makeover. Throw them off our trail.' 

When Anders looked at them in the dirty mirror, he barely recognized them. Their face was bare of any stumble, their hair shorter than he'd worn it in years, their robes exchanged for moth-bitten clothes found in the bedroom, his earring slipped into a pocket next to Justice's ring. He thought they looked too much like a short-haired man rather than a short-haired woman for his liking. 

When they found a small boat with a captain who didn't ask too many questions, Anders found out that one of them didn't take to the sea. 'Remember that pirate captain?' Anders asked, in the privacy of their mind, because he knew that Justice did. 'I wonder were we would be now if I had joined her crew. Well, ah, you wouldn't be there.' Despite everything, he was glad he was here with Justice. 

When they arrive in Kirkwall, they were immediately overwhelmed by the sense of injustice. Refugees camp outside the city, surrounded by statues of slaves. A prison full of mages guarded by Templars. It took two days of talking to themselves and a woman from Ferelden to adjust. Anders relearned to refer to himself in the singular out loud. The woman, Lirene, bartered with merchants for blankets in bulk. They handed them out to refugees together. Lirene set up a tent and found two mercenaries to stand vigil as Anders healed the sick and injured.  
  
When they finally get into Kirkwall, Anders and Lirene found themselves welcomed into the sewers, aptly named Darktown. Anders healed whoever needed it and Lirene fed and clothed whoever needed it. Eventually, Lirene saved up enough to move into Lowtown, where she could trade with merchants with more ease, but she still served the needy. Anders stayed in Darktown, away from the claws of Templars. 

When a woman followed by three entered the clinic, Anders is immediately on the defensive. Justice crawled under his skin, prickly and sharp in his anxiety. The woman asked if he was the Warden, which he narrowed his eyes to. She explained their Deep Roads expedition. He asked if she would turn him into the Templars, which made her laugh and summon a small handful of static. 

When they arrived outside the Chantry at night, the woman with black and white hair told a man with the same hair to stop complaining, that they needed these maps. Anders looked between the two and saw his older brother before they had started yelling at each other. 

When they entered the building, Hawke had convinced her brother to be quiet if he wasn't going to leave. Anders led the group up the stairs where he would be, where they would be together again. 

When Karl turned around, Anders felt all the blood drain from his face. He stood, numb, until Justice took over their body. He watched, disembodied, as Justice fought Templars alongside the other four. 

When Anders returned to their body, Justice was quiet- worn out from taking complete control of their body for the first time since they merged. He looked at Karl, with spots of blood on his robes and the redness on his face still fresh. Karl held them as they sank to the floor. 

When Anders was back in the clinic, blood soaked through his robes. He undressed like an automaton, washed the blood off his body without thought of whose it was. He saw the scars and thought, 'He never saw them. Would he think that one was beautiful?' 

When Hawke showed up later, she asked if he was okay. How could he be? 'I am,' he said. She didn't believe him, but she stayed and talked to him for hours, about Justice and the Wardens and Lothering and boat rides and gender. He showed her his scars and poultices. She showed him her flat chest and said she'd never taken poultices.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i said there would be four parts then decided six but now? its likely going to be 7 to 8. please be patient with me aaahha. i keep changing my damn mind


	5. you go along

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> anders continues his journey alongside hawke

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this one got a little long. its always the ones that aren't supposed to be long that get long

When Anders traveled with Hawke, she laughed and helped those who needed it. She stuck up for mages and fought slavers and argued with the people she traveled with then drank with them that night anyways. 

When Anders traveled with Carver, he refrained from arguing too much. He watched Carver stand up for his sister, despite their constant disagreements. 'Her,' Carver said loudly to two men at the bar. Anders looked up from his glass of water he had been studying. 'She's not a him, dumbass.' Hawke had tilted her head and watched as the two men apologized to him. Then she turned to Anders, and said with a smile, 'Little brothers, huh?' 

When Anders traveled with Aveline, he picked fights on purpose. She bickered back, only stopping after Hawke gave her a sort of sad look. One day, she said to him, 'It's not that Cal is a mage. It's because she's my friend and you're her friend.' He raised an eyebrow and asked, 'A friend of a friend is my friend then?' She huffed, a quiet laugh, 'Don't push it, Anders.' 

When Anders traveled with Isabela, she quickly remembered where she knew him from. 'You were the lady with the electricity trick?' Anders hadn't been called a woman, let alone a lady, in a least a year. With a pleasant hum in his chest, he nodded, 'You liked the Lay Warden more than you liked me.' She laughed loudly, 'She still had her tits.' 

When Anders traveled with Varric, he could almost pretend he was normal- normal enough to fit into this group. He could almost pretend he wasn't a possessed mage who didn't fit into the binary of man and woman, good mage and bad mage, perfectly fine company and abomination. He winced when Varric singled him out as 'one of the guys', as if he intrinsically belonged in the same category as the beardless dwarf and two moody warriors who disliked mages. At least Varric never called him a man in a skirt, but the bar was set so low even most dwarves could jump it. 

When Anders traveled with Merrill, she always seemed to have a list of questions. She looked at him for a long time before asking, 'I don't think.. Is there a word in Trade for it? For when someone spirit and mind and body don't align.' He stared at her, trying to understand the question. Finally, he said, 'What?' She huffed, 'You're not a man, are you? Or at least, Isabela calls you a woman, so I thought. Well, I'm not sure what I thought.' 

When he shook his head, he said, 'No, no, it's, ah, well. I'm a man and a woman, even if these days most people just call me a man.' She nodded in understanding and said something in elven, 'It means 'double-minded', but I don't think the ancient elves had hosts of spirits in mind.' He laughed, 'No, I don't think they did.' 

When Anders traveled with Fenris, they fought over the simplest of things. Anders breathed too loud and Fenris walked too slow. Quickly, they would be at each other's throats. In battle, that would be put aside. Afterwards, Fenris limped off, holding his side and coughing blood. Anders followed after him, 'You think I'm letting you walk that off?' The elf silently glared at him. 'You think Hawke is letting you walk that off?' Fenris sighed and sat on a rock, still holding his insides together. 'Sometimes I wonder how stupid you really are, then you try to limp off somewhere to bleed to death and I know exactly how stupid you are.' Fenris sat without reply to Anders's monologue. 

When Anders tried to remove the other's armor, Fenris recoiled- not in pain, but something else. 'I have to heal it, can't do that through armor. It's not anything I haven't seen before.' With another sharp look, Fenris removed the armor, revealing a torn and bloodied binder. Anders huffed as he started healing the gash, 'Like I said, nothing I haven't seen before.' Fenris didn't look like he believed Anders who only laughed and said, 'What? You think you're the only one?' 

When Anders healed a child with a sprained ankle, the child excitedly told him about his new big sister, 'Her name is Rain, because that's her favorite weather. I like clouds, so I'm Cloudy. What about you?' He thought for a few moments then answered, 'Sunny.' The boy nodded determinedly, 'I like sunny days, they're warm and you can lay on the dirt and it's warm. You should try it.' Anders patted the boy's with a smile, 'I'll be sure to.' 

When Merrill invited him to her house for dinner, Anders seriously considering turning her down. Then he remembered he never eats consistent portions or at consistent times. He did warn her about Warden appetites in advance. Her home was especially large and clean for a house in the alienage; the fireplace burned despite the warm weather as Merrill was always chilly. They ate a braided bread, nuts and raisins, and dried meat over pleasant conversation and Antivan brandy- a housewarming gift from Isabela- though it didn't affect Anders. 

When Hawke asked for him to accompany her to the Deep Roads, he didn't even consider turning her down. She was his friend; he couldn't bear something happening to her that he could have prevented, so he said yes. The Deep Roads were as miserable as he remembered. Hawke and Varric- who stopped referring to him as a man as often some time after his conversation with Merrill- were pleasant enough company. Even Carver had stopped complaining after a week. 

When the door closed behind Bartrand, Anders felt his lungs constrict as he stepped back, accidentally bumping into Hawke. She lightly touched his arm before withdrawing and asking, 'Can I touch you?' He attempted to answer but couldn't, he only shook his head- not at her question, but at the situation. He felt his lips move as Justice answered, 'He is not well now, but he permits you to touch him.' Hawke's expression changed slightly as she placed her hand on his arm once more, leading him to follow where Varric and Carver had found a potential exit. 

When Carver fell over, Anders still remained silent. Justice spoke in his place, directing the party to where they knew the Wardens were. 

When Carver departed with the Wardens, Anders finally spoke, 'I'm sorry.' Hawke shook her head, 'It's not your fault. Thanks to you two, he has a chance.'


End file.
